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The Ratcrotch ISSUE 1 - Dedicated to the (failing) memory of John Prescott 25th November 2002 |
Wreckered.co.uk |
Wheel-less Green Goddess - Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today denied allegations of scaremongering over the use of green goddesses in response to the firefighters' strike. Tempers flared when the green goddesses rolled out on Wednesday 16th November - minus wheels. "We must be flexible," said Prescott (35 stone). "This way, if there's a fire on the railways, the Army will be able to drive along the tracks." Railtrack spokesperson, Marc Gilfillan laughed off suggestions that fifty-year-old vehicles on the rail network could endanger safety: "We've not had many problems with the present rolling stock. The green goddesses will slot in nicely because they're not too fast." |
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'Now Army must face up to
modernisation', says Bain "It shouldn't be too hard to bring in efficiency. After all, the Army spends very little time in combat. That needs to change." In the absence of any foreign enemy to fight, Bain will suggest that low-ranking squaddies go out to bars and night-clubs, drink too much and start beating people up. More community violence will be created by sending officers out in plain clothes to stir up unrest, which will enable a state of emergency to be declared, and give the chance for the tanks to have a run out. Army representatives refused to co-operate with the review: "George Bain has made a number of recommendations, but all these so-called 'new practices' are things that the Army already does," said Brigadier General Marc Gilfillan. When asked about his remarkably quick turnover of reviews, Sir George Bain told Ratcrotch: "It's easy. As long as I recommend the wage rise the government tell me to, I can write whatever I bloody like." |
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Goddess saves pensioner's life A pensioner spoke yesterday of his debt of gratitude to fitness guru Diana Moran. Ex-miner Marc Gilfillan told reporters how he would have died had it not been for the quick-thinking response of the former BBC Breakfast Time exercise queen. "I would have died had it not been for the quick-thinking response of the former BBC Breakfast Time exercise queen," said an emotional Gilfillan. Ms Moran, was christened 'The Green Goddess' because of her green skin, and because she is descended from Crocus the Frog-God and is really a goddess. After the dramatic events she said she was unwilling to take any credit for Mr Gilfillan's rescue. "I am unwilling to take any credit for Mr Gilfillan's rescue," she said, before launching into a fifteen minute aerobics routine. Journalists in attendance were forced to join in the intensive work out or face Ms Moran's great vengeance and furious anger. There were no casualties. |
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Editorial:
FIREFIGHTERS: Why we say 'YES' to more pay, but 'NO' to more fire
strikes
YES: because
sales of our tacky tabloid daily newspaper are in free-fall, so
we want to be the paper that says what the people are thinking.
If we don't take a populist line on this issue, we'll be bankrupt
by Christmas.
(We have not even thought about the injustice of men and women engaged in a highly technical job being paid a pittance, or considered the compelling case for firefighters to be paid a decent wage of £30,000 a year.)
NO: because it would be hypocritical to even pretend that we are anything but the sycophantic mouthpiece of New Labour in Scotland. This paper has been kissing Tony Blair's arse for years.
Without the government giving us stupid things on which to take a self-righteous line, we would have nothing to write about. If you thought our coverage of Clause 28 and asylum seekers were balanced journalistic campaigns, you are as bad as we are.
(We have not even thought about the injustice of men and women engaged in a highly technical job being paid a pittance, or considered the compelling case for firefighters to be paid a decent wage of £30,000 a year.)
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