The Daily Ratcrotch

ISSUE 2
No, we don't understand it either

The Ratcrotch
10th December 2002

VISIT
Wreckered.co.uk
Quality tabloid spoof

Stories

New York Crime Boss:
"I just wanted my family to be safe..."

John Leslie:
What was so bad about him in the first place?

Illiterate teen writes to local paper

Cherie Denies Osama bin Laden Link Allegation

Cherie Blair has denied any link with Al Quaeda. In an emotional speech at the Partners in Excrement Awards tonight, Mrs Blair outlined her reasons for working with convicted hijacker Ahv bin Misnya.

"I was not aware of Mr bin Misnya's criminal past," Mrs Blair asserted. "I'm only the wife of a significant terror target. It's not as if anyone would want to hurt me, so there is no need to vet the people who might come into contact with me."

Mrs Blair's awareness of security was apparent, however, when she claimed that she wanted to keep her name off the Land Register.

"All I wanted to do was protect my privacy, and that of my son, who will be studying German and Philosophy at Bristol University. He will be living in the flats at 46 Hypocrisy Avenue, Bristol." At this point, security staff removed an onion being held in Mrs Blair's direction. She fought back the tears bravely and continued.

"We used funds from a blind trust to purchase the two flats in Bristol because it was the only capital available to us."

Cherie Blair is a judge, and Prime Minister Tony Blair recently awarded himself a 40 percent pay rise. Between them, they are thought to earn nearly HALF A MILLION POUNDS PER ANNUM.

	OTHER NEWS:
CHERIE	My love for Bush	- page 4
WAS	Henry Kissinger a terrorist?	- page 40
TALKING	Easier than writing - Dubya	- page 400
BOLLOCKS	to war, says Archbishop	- page 4000

In this Issue

McConnell defends child slavery plans

John Leslie:
What was so great about him in the first place?

Gareth v Will
Popstars Paternity Suit latest

Entire country wiped out by rabbits
Headline writer gets desperate

Minister's drunken boast:'We can't be arsed ending poverty'

An unnamed Government minister shocked a meeting of uppercrust do-gooders last night by getting completely drunk and revealing a government plot to perpetuate poverty.

Shocking
"It was a shocking thing to say," said one of the £25,000 a plate diners. "It's nothing we didn't know, but he shouldn't have said it."

No-one from the Government was available for comment last night.

Cheney: 'Only Americans can see through Saddam's lies'

US Vice-President Dick Cheney has claimed that it is right for them to be the only ones to see the dossier detailing Iraq's weapons capability.

"We're the only ones who are able to translate the document properly. If one of those bleeding heart liberals were to get a hold of it, they would take it all literally.

"This way, the US will find the evidence we need to start a war."

Dick Cheney may be a lying bastard.

Dounreay was solar powered reveals leaked report

The decommissioning of Dounreay will not involve removing any nuclear material, says a leaked report.

Propped up nuclear power
The report claims that the plant propped up the reputation of the nuclear industry using only the power generated from the sun's rays.

No justification
"This should never have come out," said a Downing Street insider. "How can we justify nuclear power now?"

Editorial: The New Queen of Hearts
It would be easy to criticise Cherie Blair at a time like this, but if any of us were in her position would we not do the same. Low paid workers don't have the benefit of hundreds of thousands of pounds to spare on expensive flats for their children.

Cherie is being decried for simply showing a mother's love. That's tough love. If it means that the funds hidden away in blind trusts must be raided, then that's what a mother will do.

The real villains in this story are our tabloid rivals, who once again got the wrong end of the stick and ran with it.

One minute they love Tony, but hate Cherie. Next minute they hate Cherie and love Tony. Why can't they be consistent?

Christmas is just around the corner. It's a time when people make sacrifices for their loved ones.

Cherie Blair - taking it all on the chin for Tony, the Government and New Labour - is an example to us all.


Sir - I had to write and tell you how much I trust the Government. I don't know how we managed before that lovely Mr Blair came to power. Whenever I get depressed thinking about the startling inequality between rich and poor in this great land of ours, his happy smiling face cheers me up. - Marc Gilfillan, Govan.	Sir - Whatever happened to the firefighters? One day the papers are full of stories about how they are destroying the country's infrastructure, the next day there's nothing. Come on people! Give us the information we need in that nicely packaged way that doesn't tax our brains. - M Gilfillan, Airdrie	Sir - I'm sick of all these stories about how the firefighters are going on strike. Give us a break! I am sure there are other things going on in the world, and in this great land of ours that we should know about. Come on people! Let's get some real news. - Mairi Gilfillan, Perth.