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ISSUE 4 Where's
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| War not
inevitable says Blair The UK Government will not be rushed into attacking Iraq, Prime Minister Tony Blair informed the House of Commons today. "There is no evidence of any effort to produce weapons of biological or nuclear mass destruction," said Mr Blair. "Military action would be entirely unjustified."
"We must deal rationally with Mr Hussein," said Mr Blair. "A war would result in thousands of casualties, untold environmental damage, and would be a catalyst for the recruitment of thousands of terrorists from among the disenfranchised people of the Middle East. "We have been responsible for the deaths of 1.5 million Iraqi men, women and children through the draconian UN sanctions in place since 1991. I don't want any more blood on my hands." Conservative leaders Iain & Duncan Smith, immediately pounced on Mr Blair, showering him with hugs and kisses. "Let's not fight anymore Tony!" exclaimed Messrs Smith, "Let's start uniting the people of the world behind a drive for justice, fairness, and social responsibility." Parliament then heard an emergency motion from Labour's Central Fife backbencher John McDougall calling for an end to the over-reliance on the military-industrial complex. The motion was passed unanimously to cross-party chants of "Jobs not bombs" and "Healthcare not warfare."
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War inevitable
says Blair Prime Minister Tony Blair confirmed today that military action in Iraq now seemed unavoidable. He blamed the absolute failure of Saddam Hussein to disarm weapons he does not have. Sources close to the Iraqi regime informed military intelligence officers that Hussein had been overheard in his local pub boasting about how he had enough nuclear weapons to destroy most of the known universe. "There is ample evidence of Saddam's efforts to produce weapons of biological and nuclear mass destruction," said Mr Blair. "Military action would be entirely justified. "I say we go and get those Iraqi bastards now. Don't worry about the casualties, the freedom to exploit the oil resources of Iraq is at stake here."
Leader of the opposition, Rt Hon. Mr Irritable Bowel-Syndrome MP, congratulated Mr Blair on his 'determination to kill as many brown-skinned foreigners as possible.' IBS cautioned Mr Blair against neglecting to discriminate against foreigners already swamping the UK with their hamburger restaurants and superior football skills. "Never let it be said," replied Mr Blair, "That this Government has done anything to lighten the load on asylum seekers. Their persecution remains of the utmost importance." A spokesman for Saddam Hussein said yesterday that the Iraqi dictator was 'bricking it' at the prospect of war.
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| McConnell
pavement slip linked to rogue slates Jack McConnell's fall outside Bute House, his Presidential Palace, earlier this month has roused the Scottish Executive to call for military action, according to sources close to the First Minister.
The foreign flagstones around Bute House were thought to have been replaced in the mid-80s, but now it seems one of the Middle-Eastern slabs was left behind. "The threat from these rogue slates cannot be understated. Their claims of legitimacy are entirely without foundation," Mr McConnell said after war was declared. |
Saddam codnapped Scottish fish stocks One of the Royal Navy's principal tasks in the 'Mother of all Gulf Wars' will be to commandeer Iraqi fishing grounds for the Scottish fishing fleet, it was announced yesterday. New intelligence documents, smuggled out by Iraqi double agents under the guise of gathering nuclear secrets from Britain, reveal that Saddam Hussein ruthlessly stole the entire Scottish cod stocks between 1992 and 2002. "I can't believe we fell for that weapons of mass destruction bollocks, while all the time he was after the fish," said Fisheries spokesman Colin Alloccupants-Ofinterstellarcraft, who did not wish to be named. The awful truth came as a shock to Government officials who were convinced that Saddam's most imminent threat was his determination to fashion nuclear weapons from rudimentary items lying around his Presidential Palace. Only last year, episodes of Blue Peter covering the construction and deployment of 15 megatonne nuclear warheads were accidentally broadcast in Iraq.
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| US to disarm
restaurants of mass destruction The United States is to close down all its fast food restaurants, Secretary General Donald Rumsfeld has announced. The restaurants were originally set up in the 1960s as an outlet for the then burgeoning US crop of entirely pointless sesame seeds. Soon after, the mind control properties of certain forms of advertising were exploited to capture a market for burger meat laced with mind control chemicals. Rumsfeld explained to a packed White House press room that the experiment had failed: "We found that the mind altering chemicals lost their potency once exported. They still work to a limited extent in the US, albeit with severe homicidal side effects. "In the rest of the World, consumers just got fat after eating the burgers. This suited us for a while, but now we've realised that these became weapons of mass destruction. "We would like to apologise. Stupid plastic toys will be made available online for those who wish to collect them." Notoriously litigious fast food chain, McDonald's - who had nothing to do with ANY of this - were unavailable for comment as this story went to press. |
Other News Campaign launched
to keep kids safe on internet The campaign website www.thinkuknow.co.uk was announced in a tv advert with a chilling warning: Rock stars and former Labour ministers use the internet... IQ test proves pig shit not as
thick as President Afghan warlords' violence: Rap music to blame:
Blunkett David Blunkett likes to lock up innocent people in prisons, just because they are foreign and wish to escape torture, war and political oppression. |
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Editorial:
Where is Batman when we need
him?
So the time has come. Saddam is on the run.
Rather than contemplate pre-emptive strikes with his massive
range of nuclear and biological weapons, he will retreat. Clearly
the UN weapons inspectors have done a great job locating and
destroying all the bombs and factories. Now Saddam fears for his
very life.
It was wise of the UN Security Council to keep out of the media all the gory details of Iraq's doomsday arsenal. The public alarm and hysteria such revelations might provoke could have resulted in World War 3.
Soon the world will be free of Hussein, Bin Laden and Jeffrey Archer - and all thanks to the Lone Ranger. The masked avenger - shoulder to shoulder with his trusty side-kick - will save the World again. Isn't it a shame that Batman sided with the yellow-bellied peaceniks, hell bent on allowing terrorists to force us into military action that would mean the deaths of possibly dozens of innocent troops.
The foolhardy caped crusader probably believed it possible to disarm, replace and ultimately kill Saddam and all his cohorts without recourse to lethal force. He would probably have wanted the bad guys to have a fair trial in front of the International Court. Well now you'll see how it should be done Batman!
